Coping after the Loss of a Spouse

Losing a beloved pet hurts like losing a member of the family

It is with a very heavy heart that I am writing my article this month, as my little dog, Delylah Luv (my grandsons named her), a Boston Terrier, expired on Thanksgiving evening. I was fortunate enough to have her for 14 years, but as we all know, no timeframe is ever long enough when lose someone or something that we truly care about.

She was my constant companion who used to walk at least a mile with me every day when she was younger and wanted to be wherever I was. If I got in the car, she liked to be in it, and if I went into a store, I could be sure that she would be looking out the car window at the door I entered.

Her death is like losing another family member, as I never told her she was a dog. My children thought she was a little spoiled, but, I rebutted, "She was always happy to see me, and she didn't talk back!" Her love was unconditional.

A friend mentioned that Delylah Luv's death would bring back a lot of memories, and it surely has. She had experienced health problems recently, and we seemed to be coping with them, but suddenly her condition worsened. I was thankful that she expired at home, and I didn't have to make the decision to put her down, as that would have been a very hard decision for me. I have many friends who have had to make that decision, and those of you who have been there and done that, know the heart-wrenching experience it is.

As I have reiterated many times, unless you have experienced the situation of losing a loved one, whether it be a spouse, a child, a mother, father, sibling, friend, pet, or anything else that you truly cared about, you have no concept of how devastating it is! The old adage of "Walk a mile in my shoes" holds so very true in this situation.

To lose a pet, especially without your spouse there to share the loss, makes it so much more difficult. Situations like this, along with all of the other responsibilities we have received since our spouse died, can make life very frustrating and upsetting.

When our children were quite young, we had gotten a kitten for them. Her name was Ginger, and she was a pretty feisty little kitty, who was not at all happy when we came home with a little Boston Terrier puppy we named Pugger. Immediately, she put him in his place by riding on his back from the living room to the corner of the dining room—he never set foot in those rooms again!

Pugger soon became Elt's constant companion, so when Elt died, it was a very huge adjustment for him. Elt used to ride the bus to and from the train station, so when the bus would stop outside the house a little after five in the evening, Pugger would hear it, look out the window, see that it was Elt getting off the bus, and would be at the top of the stairs to come down and meet him when he opened the door.

After Elt died, I would hear the bus stop and know that Pugger was watching out the window. He would sit at the top of the stairs and wait, but, of course, the door never opened. It used to break my heart to see this little dog waiting for the person he loved so much to come through that door, and I knew that it would never happen again.

These are some of the situations that we experience when our loved one dies that we don't often share with others, but it is something that we have to deal with every day, and the emotional pain is awesome. We often put on our "masks," and say that things are okay, when, in reality, we are really hurting.

Not long after Elt died, someone said to me, "You look great!" My immediate thought was, "This is the outward appearance; you should see me on the inside!" Great sadness dwelt within.

People mean well, and often they don't know what to say, which is very understandable. But, we can thank them for caring about us and share a little story or two about our loved one who died—whether they had two legs or four!

Mary Obey is a parishioner at St. Thomas of Villanova Catholic Church, in Palatine, IL. She is also a coordinator for Joyful Again weekends for the widowed, and coordinator for Begin Again, a self help support group for those grieving the death of a spouse. For information about the two groups, please call 708-354-7211.