Veni, Vidi, Tweeti: I came, I saw, I tweeted

I would like to share a few thoughts with you this month about an activity that clearly marks the end of civilization as we know it: Tweeting. The New York Times heralded Twitter as “one of the fastestgrowing phenomena on the Internet.” My doctor tells me to be leery of fast-growing anythings, so perhaps that is part of my concern. That being said, let’s start with the basics.

Twitter is a free service predicated on the question, “What are you doing?” By composing short, 140-character messages, you can share with the world that you are standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, eating a tuna sandwich or watching your dog chase its tail. If compulsively posting such digital drivel is not enough of an incentive to get out of bed in the morning— which is, of course, another event you will want to share with others—you can also follow the mundane activities of other peoples’ uneventful lives—including neuronnumbing celebritwits. At no time in the history interpersonal communication has the phrase “Get a life” been more appropriate.

I quickly discovered that lemming-like individuals will start following you shortly after you start following them. Creepy? Absolutely.

To get started with Twitter, go to twitter.com and click—well, “Get Started.” Provide the information requested and in seconds you will be twittified. Congratulations! You passed Twitter’s rigorous admissions screening. During the sign-up process, you will be asked to provide your e-mail address and password, which are used to import your contacts. If you are less than enthusiastic about that prospect—as well you should be—obtain a free Gmail (gmail.com) or other disposable address and use that instead.

Next, create your personal profile in which you can reveal as much or as little about yourself, as you wish. Hint: Less is more. The final dreadful step is to build your network by importing e-mail lists, contacts from Instant Messaging services, or you can locate unsuspecting friends and family members with the search engine at search.twitter.com. Search by entering your interests, quirks, fetishes and peccadilloes, which will produce a list of individuals who share similar disturbing characteristics that you can then elect to follow.

“Following” someone is akin to adding a person to a contacts list or as a Facebook friend, except the twirp (short for “Twitter relationship”) is a one-way street. Nobody sees your updates unless he or she chooses to follow you. I quickly discovered that lemming-like individuals will start following you shortly after you start following them. Creepy? Absolutely.

Once you begin stalking—excuse me, following others–updates (called “tweets”) will appear on the Web or in a Twitter feed to one or more designated devices. In the likely event someone gets on your nerves by posting too many senseless tweets (an oxymoron if ever there was one), you can remove or block the serial tweeter. There are many ways to post your own tweets, including logging into twitter.com and entering your life-altering updates into the field provided. Third-party applications are available to streamline this process and eliminate the need to visit the site on a recurring basis.

To thoroughly research this sociological phenomenon, I immersed myself in the twit culture (and I use the term loosely) for a period of two months. As a professional journalist for more than 25 years, I cannot adequately articulate the pride I felt as I typed (“twyped,” in terminally cutesy TwitterSpeak), “Lilly coughed up a fur ball.” I am sure I am not alone in thinking, “Pulitzer at last!”

As Twitter itself enthusiastically chirps, “With Twitter, you can stay hyper-connected to your friends and always know what they’re doing,” which begs the question, “Who cares?” During my Twitterfest, I learned that GomeZorb had the flu and stayed home from work—apparently to Twitter (a phenomenon known as social notworking). Could it be any more exciting?

The Nerd (aka “Mr. Modem”) is an author, syndicated columnist, radio host, publisher, and proud father of four kitties. For information about his weekly computer-help newsletter, visit www.MrModem.com.