Coping After the Death of a Spouse

Triumph over loneliness is possible

When we lose a spouse through death, loneliness is one of the biggest things with which we are faced. I would like to share some suggestions for overcoming loneliness that were compiled by Miriam Baker Nye.

Overcoming loneliness and isolation
In a split second, Miriam Baker Nye moved from being happily married to becoming a 51-year- old widow. She and her husband, Carl, were involved in an odd accident caused by gusty winds and rain-slick pavement. They were less than five miles from home when their car overturned. Her husband was killed, while she received only mild scratches and bruises. Since her husband's death, Nye has written the book, But I Never Thought He'd Die: Practical Help for Widows. In it, she addresses the issue of loneliness.

"Almost every woman who loses her husband by death has some fear that she cannot handle life without her mate," she notes. "Taking some positive steps with regard to your emerging lifestyle in widowhood is a good way to overcome the fear of loneliness," she adds.

Nye suggests asking yourself the following'questions in order to better manage and triumph over feeling lonely.

• Are you creating a setting suited to your tastes, interests and needs for security?
• Is your home becoming more yours as a single person, or yours as a one-parent family?
• Are you altering the arrangement of furniture, especially the pieces that had been arranged primarily for your husband's comfort and convenience?
• Are you thinking now of what appeals to you, and to your children, if they are still in the home?
• If security is one of your chief concerns, have you satisfied your need to have good locks on doors and windows, to take all recommended measures for safety?
• Have you begun to cultivate a cheerful atmosphere through decor?
• Have you considered new friends as well as old in the arrangement of facilities for entertaining?
• Have you thought of your home as one from which you can reach out to others who are lonely?

The above information was excerpted from Lifeline Newsletter, edited by Rev. Victor M. Parachin, with the permission of Ahlgrim & Sons, LTD.

When I made my Joyful Again! weekend for widowed people a few years ago, I was fortunate enough to buy Nye's book. I found it very helpful as she expressed feelings that were the same ones I was having, and it was comforting to know that these feelings were normal for someone who had just lost a spouse.

Nye also says in the book that they prepare the patient for death if there is time, but what happens to the family afterward? I was so devastated that I, wondered the same thing. I soon became involved with self-help support groups for the widowed to reach out to others who were experiencing the same pain as I was, and, in turn, it helped me at the same time.

I also read in another book that if you can make something positive come from the death of your loved one, it can be very helpful to you.

Being involved with the Joyful Again! weekends for the widowed and support groups for the widowed has become a ministry for me now, and has helped to give new purpose to my life!

"Grief is a process and recovery is a choice," as I have conveyed for many years, and I am happy to relate that I have recovered from my grief, and can enjoy happiness again, which I never thought would be possible when Elt died.

For those of us who have experienced the death of a spouse, we know that at any given moment we can slip back into one of the stages of grief when a familiar song or thought comes to us. But, as time passes, the amount of time we stay in this stage becomes less and we can look to the future with hope that we will learn to enjoy life again, just in a different way than when our spouse was alive.

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Mary Obey is a parishioner of St. Thomas of Villanova, Palatine, IL coordinator of Begin Again and Joyful Again, support groups for the widowed. For information, call 708-354-7211.